Orgasm is separate from ejaculation. In men, orgasm generally occurs simultaneously with ejaculation so the two are seen as synonymous. In women, orgasm and ejaculation are more likely to be separate experiences. Orgasm is influenced by both mental and physical stimulation: touch, sound, smell, taste, visuals, fantasy, role play etc. Orgasm is more likely to occur if you are enjoying yourself and feeling pleasure. It is less likely to occur if you are experiencing negative feelings such as irritability, anger, or frustration. Orgasm can occur with intense stimulation such as pain, if you like it, but for most people pain will inhibit sexual arousal. Orgasm can also occur with persistent stimulation, even if you are not enjoying yourself. This can be particularly troubling for people who have experienced an orgasm during sexual assault.

Why can’t I have an orgasm?

Chasing orgasm is the least likely way to achieve an orgasm. When you make orgasm the goal of sex, you lose the nuances of sex that lead you to blissful physical pleasure. When you are focused on the end result you are less likely to notice what is happening along the way. However, sex is not like a long cheap flight to Europe, which you tolerate because the destination is worth it. Sex is very much about being present in the moment. Once you start focusing on the destination, reaching orgasm, you become less responsive to touch and sexy thoughts are replaced with thoughts about how to reach orgasm. Pay attention to what you like, how your partner is touching you, what they look like or a fantasy scenario, rather than debating where you think you ‘should’ be. An orgasm focus clogs your mind with performance demands and leaves little room for erotic thoughts and fantasies.

Female Orgasms

Some women have never had an orgasm, others have had them in the past and now struggle to have them. Others can orgasm alone but not with their partner. Some women want to know how to have multiple orgasms, others want to know how to ejaculate. Whatever your situation, persistence, time, acceptance and lack of self criticism will help you achieve the pleasurable sensations you desire.

For those who have never had an orgasm, the best way to learn is by yourself. Masturbation is the foundation for sexual happiness. Below are a few guidelines for self pleasuring:

  • Learn to let yourself feel pleasure. Lose the guilt, shame and self criticism.

  • Practice receiving pleasure from yourself daily. Don’t try for the orgasm.

  • Focus less on having an orgasm and more on discovering what you find pleasurable.

  • Experiment without judging yourself

  • Give yourself more time than you think you need, at least 30 minutes of self pleasuring

  • Make preparations to calm yourself and get into the mood. Have a bath, read  erotic literature, watch porn

  • If you are frustrated with yourself, practice self acceptance and persistence

  • Let go of the worry “it will never happen”. Orgasms don’t come from worry


Faking orgasm

Don’t do it. If you are doing it stop it. It is a lie and makes sex about results and performance. Faking orgasms teaches your partner how to be really good at NOT making you come. What’s more, you are misleading your partner about what turns you on. They can’t read your mind. Faking orgasms hinders intimacy, inhibits sexual arousal and builds resentment. Faking orgasm is about giving up on your sexuality and shutting down. It is not only bad for this relationship but sets you and your partner up for bad sex in the future.

O.K. so you got my message. What to do if you have been faking it for ages? Tell your partner that you want to spice up your sex life and that you are up for something different. You don’t need to tell them that you have been faking it forever. Explain that as you have gotten older, or been together for longer, your tastes have changed and you would like to take an experimental approach to what else you might find pleasurable.

If you have been faking it your partner will love to see you authentically aroused. It is your responsibility to teach your partner what you like. It is not your partner’s responsibility to magically work it out without any help from you.

stop faking orgasms

Female Ejaculation

Men usually ejaculate and orgasm together. Women are different. Women can ejaculate without orgasming and usually orgasm without ejaculating. Ejaculation comes from spongy tissue surrounding the urethra, in response to prolonged stimulation and/or intense arousal.

Some women hold back their ejaculate fearing they might urinate. Don’t worry it is not urine, go with it. If you are worried about urinating empty your bladder before sex. Sometimes there is large amount of fluid other times small. The consistency and colour of ejaculate fluid changes depending on the length of stimulation. If you are worried about drenching the mattress place a towel or waterproof lining underneath. Good sex is when you are lost in the moment. Good sex is often messy!

Ejaculating feels quite different to orgasm. One is not better than the other and ejaculation does not make for better orgasms. Embracing ejaculation is about understanding your own sexual response, stopping holding back, and removing shame about how your body responds.

Finding the Spot

The U Spot is near the opening of the urethra: and feels very lovely stimulated

The G Spot, A Spot and P Spot are internal areas of high sensitivity. The internal bulbs of the clitoris swell with arousal and when massaged can result in orgasm. Often with external clitoral and U spot stimulation.

The A Spot is deep towards the back of the anterior vaginal wall before the cervix.

The O Spot, aka C Spot(cervix) is on the cervix, some women find this painful.


G Spot is at the front of the anterior vaginal wall.

G Spot

See the below video for further information on finding the Spot and more.

Resources and Reference Sites

OMG YES: Female Orgasm

This is seriously fun. I love this site. OMG YES is an entirely new way to explore female sexual arousal. OMG Yes is a collection of the “a-ha” moments – realisations and techniques women and their partners have discovered, that they wish they could go back in time and show themselves.

OMG yes provides a hands on approach to teaching actual techniques for women’s pleasure via modelling, virtual orgasms and communication. It provides women with the words and the confidence to ask for what they want and shows their lovers ways to introduce novelty and build up sexual pleasure.


Betty Dodson and Carlin Ross: Better Orgasm Techniques

Betty Dodson PhD and Carlin Ross JD launched this site in 2007 to promote the “Betty Dodson” method of self-love and feminist-based sex education. They are a 501c3 public charity dedicated to creating and disseminating sex information and education materials to prepare individuals to thrive in their future careers and adult lives. Betty Dodson, artist, author, and PhD sexologist has been one of the principal voices for women’s sexual pleasure and health for over four decades.

Betty Dodson Genital Art Gallery

Artist’s Statement: Why I Started the Genital Art Gallery

Until the age of 35, I hid my imaginary genital deformity by avoiding oral sex and bright lights in the bedroom. I actually believed I’d stretched my inner lips from too much childhood masturbation. Once I had “pussy pride” I became unstoppable.

In 1998 when my website went up, I created a Genital Art Gallery where viewers could submit photos of their sex organs with a brief essay about their relationship to them. Never again would another woman think there was something wrong with her vulva for lack of positive imagery. By then, I knew guys had their own concerns about the size and appearance of their penises.

Today, many women in the adult industry have undergone surgery for the removal of their extended inner lips to achieve what one surgeon calls, “The Clamshell Look,” reminiscent of a pre-pubescent girl. Other women began to want a similar look…

Betty Dobson and Carlin Ross

My perfect Vagina

What began as a wander through the wacky world of genital plastic surgery became a passionate documentary about modern femininity and female insecurity about their genitals. Women are undergoing surgery to create “perfect” genitalia however neat genitals are not necessarily functional, arousing or pleasing to ones partner. Watch the documentary here.

Further Articles of Interest

3 moves increase female orgasm

By Nicola Davies and Mona Chalabi February 23, 2017 The female orgasm has often been described as elusive, but researchers say they might have discovered how to boost the chances of eliciting the yes, yes, yes. A [...]